Friday, April 28, 2006

Life Is Unfair

This picture is Exhibit A of my unending humiliation at the hands of the Great Oppressors, who are celebrating their tenth anniversary of coupledom if you don't count the odd hiatuses from each other. I have been around for nine of those ten years, and it doesn't appear that things are getting any easier for me around here. Nine years of this poop and counting. Don't think I'm not keeping track of each and every indignity I suffer at their hands, such as being forced to wear Simple clogs and Gap cargo shorts. I wasn't born for your amusement!!!

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Urine Trouble Now

Today's blog is brought to you by my new sponsors, Urine Gone. Thanks to Bonnie at Sales and Marketing for this great opportunity. I promise to represent the brand with pride, integrity, and enthusiasm. As stated on the company's site, "Getting rid of stains and odors caused by cat,
dog or human urine can be exasperating." Indeed... And while cats are listed as Urine Offenders Numeros Unos, Urine Gone can erase the evidence of any unfortunate human accident as well.
Now, some of you may accuse me of selling out or stooping to baseness. Let me explain. I secured my sponsorship after Great Oppressor Number Two kept getting sponsored Gmail links to Urine Gone, The Truth About Cat Urine, and Did her e-mails contain anything about urine, cats, or otherwise? No. There appeared to be no observable connection. But as I heard her discussing the links with Great Oppressor Number One, I realized that the links were being sent to ME. A Sicilian message... So I followed up, and here I am, sponsored. Soon, I will have enough revenue to buy my freedom. Tell your friends!

Friday, April 14, 2006

Voodoo Kitty

You might notice that I haven't posted anything in a while. I've been spending some time on my spring projects, like the one-act play I'm writing about a smoked hickory-flavored cow femur. Those are so good. I've also been trying to lie in the sun and get some color during the afternoons, and it's just been too nice to sit at a computer. I was also waiting for something blog-worthy, which arrived last night when one of the Great Oppressors returned home from a business trip and brought the other Great Oppressor a gift.

I couldn't get any sleep with this thing staring at me all night. It looks like a cross between one of those creepy wind-up monkey toys and some sort of bobcat voodoo doll. I can't decide what makes me more nervous. Is it the real animal fur? The lazy eye of the mother bobcat? The exposed belly and open mouth of the second kitten from the left? What you can't tell by the picture is that all of the kitten heads are on little springs and bob up and down. The most disturbing thought is that someone spent lots of time lovingly crafting this monstrosity: painting stripes on the meticulously trimmed rabbit fur, glueing the hideous little eyes on the heads, inserting tiny springs so that the wee heads could bobble... So messed up.