Saturday, December 05, 2009

Back on the Radar

OK, so it's been a while. I'll start off by saying that everyone in the Household of the Great Oppressors is just fine... I am still in the prime of health after knee surgery two years ago. Check out my hotness.

Rocky is also well. He's not quite right in the head, but he's well.

Here he is in a rare moment of stillness.

As for the Great Oppressors, I blame them for this nearly two-year blogging hiatus. I won't bore you with the details, but let's just say they were a little stressed out there for a while. B got a new job. The nonprofit where J worked ran into a few minor funding glitches and fell apart from about April 2008-October 2008, at which point J got laid off. Do you remember the scene in the Blues Brothers where Jake and Elwood lead the cops on a high-speed chase through Chicago and then their car falls apart when they make it to the Cook County courthouse? It was kind of like that. Since this job stress corresponded with some other pleasant but completely unexpected news, I just haven't been able to think about my virtual presence much. You see, I've been too busy keeping an eye on things around here... Meet Wee-Man.

So far, he is pretty neat. Rocky and I both appreciate the fact that he has started on solid food since there's more detritus for us. I'm looking forward to keeping you appraised of how I keep B and J from screwing up parenthood too badly in addition to my usual reflections and ruminations. It feels good to be back.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Sid and Rocky's Day

Well today was a Sunday. I don't really go by days much as B and J's schedules don't ever seem to make sense at all. However the day was off to a nice start, a lazy morning on the deck in the sun. B sleepy and groggy, J strangely motivated to tidy the house. The day seemed to me to be what a Sunday is supposed to be like. Unfortunately it didn't last. B and J got dressed up for a wedding and left. So lame. This left Rocky and I without much to do around the house.

I thought I'd use this post to share how we spent our afternoon and evening. Rocky got busy on his oral fixation:

He made short work of a "dog proof" stuffed toy, several bones and somehow got the insole out of one of J's sneakers.

On the other hand, I stayed on the couch and exercised my intellect with the computer. Oh yes that's right I spent the afternoon plumbing the depths of youtube. I found two clips to share that I think are kind of funny. B really likes old punk rock like the Misfits and even likes their completely lame former singer Danzig. Personally I think the man should be named Stanley because ever since he left the Misfits he has been a tool!

That clip pretty much sums it up.

The other one is kind of about how silly I think humans are. They always want to do things the hard way. This one uses the Lord of the Rings to tell the tale.

Yep, I am all about doing things the easy way...

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

This is Sid's House

So I welcome the poor little orphan Rocky into my home. I show him every courtesy, share my food with him, walks, B and J's attention. I don't snap at him when he bites my ankles or steps on me (he is a little clumsy). How does the little cretin repay me? He acts like he owns the place, tries to monopolize B and J, and then he has the audacity to steal my password and take over my blog. Sure I don't post very often these days, but quality takes time.

So I decided it was time to put my foot down and command a little respect...

The kennel might by Rocky's, but it is in my house!!!

Monday, April 07, 2008

Living in America

Hello there. Rocky here. Sid has not been pulling her weight blog-wise so I decided to take a stab at it. This entry is about things I like. The first thing I like is living in America. Just like the movie where my namesake fights the Russian guy.

I really like my chair.
I like to eat the fertilizer B put on the lawn today.
I like that B and J take me on walks twice a day no matter what.

I really like the pig J got me.
I like the trash almost as much as Sid

I really like my kennel. Inside and on top.

I like Sid's ankles. They taste good.
I also like B and J's shoes, socks, underwear, and J's shirts and jackets.

I really like it here. I am still really nervous and high strung, but it is cool. That is just how I am.

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

40 Degrees of Separation


After gifting us with the delicious squid jerky, B had to hit the road again for work. While they don't have squid jerky in Idaho, my native state, hopefully B will be able to bring us something back other than Idaho Spud bars. Even if I could eat chocolate, I wouldn't consume one of these. The cheerleaders used to throw these out at basketball games at B and J's alma mater, and the students would usually throw them back. A truly foul sweet... If only the cheerleaders would switch to squid jerky. Now that would be something.

At any rate, spring paid us a brief visit on Saturday. Here we are sunning ourselves on the deck in the 70 degree weather. J wore shorts and her legs looked kind of like my coat, but not in a good way. I mean, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery and all that, but one hyphenated word springs to mind: SELF-TANNER.

The balmy day was followed by a 40 degree drop in temperature, howling winds, and some snow. J even put on the crinkly pants to go snowboarding and called it off when the roads got too nasty. This meant she could take care of more important matters, like attending to us.

I may be old, but I can still hold my own in the classic frolic event.

Thanks to the shift in weather and the radiant heat from the ground, the snow was ultra-sloppy. This resulted in the unfortunate effect pictured here.

And now we await Ben's return sometime next week. I may sleep until then.

Saturday, March 01, 2008

Squid Jerky

Hello again. Sorry that I have been away from the blog for a while but I have been very busy being old. I just experienced a new treat that I just have to share with you all out there. You see B just returned from a trip to Korea and Japan. While I have tried to keep B and J's identities relatively secret if any of you are playing guessing games I assure that B is not a member of the NY Philharmonic. Far from it.

Anyhow B has been over there before which made this trip even less interesting than usual for me except that this time he brought me back a snack. You see the Japanese seem to define food as being whatever ends up in the fishing net. It could be seaweed, tuna, weird things with eyes, or squid. That's right squid. B was nice enough to bring me back some squid jerky from Japan. I'm glad he didn't buy me any jerky in Korea who knows what could be in that!

He tells me that you buy it in highway rest stops just like here in the states. Sort of like Jack Links only Tentacle Links.

Mmm Tasty!

Rocky the idiot savant likes it.

It is a bit chewy though. It was nice of B to bring me a treat from far away. To bad he and J can't bring me treats from nearby very often!!!

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Welcome to the Heelerdome

Why, hello.

How lovely to see you. I am sorry Comrade Sid has neglected her duties as our designated scribe but things have been positively bustling around here at the Heelerdome. The Great Oppressors seem to have been taken in by my "poor little rescue dog found in a cornfield in Kansas" cover story and I've established myself in the family unit quite nicely. With the help of Comrade Sid, who has been residing here in deep cover for 11 years, I've been spending my time here getting to know the weaknesses, routines, and established patterns of this particular pair of Great Oppressors. While of course I will not rest until we dogs can overthrow all Great Oppressors, I'm pleased to report that I'm getting treated pretty well while I'm here devising clever schemes. Although the Oppressors are holding steady on certain ground rules, I'm quite certain it's only a matter of time before I can turn the situation completely to my advantage. Until then, I am seeing just how well my facade of abandoned Kansas cornfield urchin can disguise my attempts at subterfuge.

My first act of sabotage was to destroy some dangerous human propaganda before B and J had the chance to really absorb its teachings.

Ha! Take that, foul hypnotist! Your mind control schemes are no match for my intellect!

My second act was to gain access to J's place of employment, where I could study other Great Oppressors in their natural environment. I discovered that there is an unlimited supply of dog treats called "Z Filets" and other high-quality meat products at J's office, so I am devising a plan to redistribute some wealth soon, if you catch my drift.

Third act is ongoing... TURN ON THE CHARM!!!!!!! This is war, and I intend to bend them to my will. Don't we look sweet in this picture? I would wager that anyone who licks their computer screen right now will be greeted with a taste reminiscent of honey on a summer's morn.

That's right, the heelers will control the means of production! Don't let Sid's comatose demeanor fool you. We are a force to be reckoned with. Take us to your pack leader when the signs point to revolution, and we shall lead you to a new dawn!

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

The Return of B

Well, it's been another long week here at the Heelersphere. B returned from his long trip to Europe and a stretch of 58 hours with only 5 hours of sleep only to find a new dog who was less than tolerant of his presence. Rocky greeted his new Great Oppressor with a combination of growls and barks, calming down only when B retreated to the bedroom and slept for 15 hours straight.

When he emerged from hibernation, I rather enjoyed some time spent with B on the couch doing some light reading. Normally I would replace B's visage with the head of George Clooney to protect his anonymity and give me something dreamy to look at, but J no longer has Photoshop on her computer so I'm breaking protocol here.

Since Friday, we have been slowly cracking Rocky's shell of fear. When J leaves, Rocky no longer barks at B for long stretches of time. Rocky allows B to lead him on walks, will take food from B's hand, and even allows the odd pet before he forgets that he is terrified of him. He still growls when Ben emerges from the basement, but hey, who doesn't?

B also went on a cleaning spree, which was much appreciated by all other Heelersphere residents. It is nice to see his jet lag dissipate along with Rocky's fear. Otherwise, not much to report here. Nothing to see here, people. Nothing to see...

Monday, January 14, 2008

Vive le Weekend

Well, still a little tired from this weekend of milestones. Not only was it a busy weekend for the world of the Great Oppressors (Golden Globes press conference! Dread Dallas Cowboys defeated! Cowboy approach to foreign policy on the part of another Texan continues!), but we were busy here in the Heelersphere as well. Observe...

J, Rocky, and I went to the dog park just outside of Golden for some socialization time. There were some nice dogs here, and we all enjoyed chasing Rocky around the compound. J met some nice fellow Great Oppressors as well, although she could have done without the snooty woman who bred Jack Russells and said something to the effect of "well, he [Rocky] seems like a good dog for a rescue dog." You know, I'm a bitch but that doesn't mean I appreciate listening to the two-legged ones, particularly when they're elitists.

At any rate, Rocky is slowly getting used to the idea of two-legged males. He sat next to this guy for a couple of minutes, although he still wasn't entirely sure if this was a good idea or not.

It was a busy weekend for J as well. Some of her friends came over on Sunday to train for some event called "Geek Bowl," a local trivia event with a cash prize. It was really just an excuse to inflict two indignities on Rocky and me.
1. Squawkers McCaw.

Squawkers, pictured here, is an animatronic parrot that speaks, blinks its eyes, snores, flaps its wings, etc. Utterly creepy. It is trainable, so the Great Oppressors have trained it to speak Samuel L. Jackson sound clips from the Internet. Sometimes I wonder why we dogs have chosen to hitch our wagon to their star.

2. Deep Blue Sea. There was a viewing of this "film" in our basement shortly after the geek study period ended. I won't try to explain how bad it is for the benefit of those who have thus far avoided it. I'll just include the pivotal moment in the film here to illustrate my point.

A shark ate me!

Readers (or reader...), I fear what J has in store for next weekend. B needs to come home soon!

Friday, January 11, 2008

Strange Things Are Afoot

Relationships are a great deal of work. What with all the demands on our time and energies, it's a wonder anyone bothers at all. Take Rocky and myself, for instance. J has stepped up our exercise routine considerably, and we've been getting two hours of walking in each day. This is great and all, but I'll admit that I seem to tire a bit more easily than I used to. I was so exhausted from the walks that I didn't even notice this boot underneath my head until several embarrassing shots were taken. In fact, I'm so tired that I can't really think of much to write about. However, I would like to post some more photos of Rocky for the benefit of my relatives so I'll just have to put these up without much commentary.

Some face time on the couch... What would Freud say?

Come to think of it, what would Freud say about the crossed legs? Rocky does this all the time. I think it makes him look distinguished.

He looks so peaceful... Little does Rocky know that B will return soon. I hope we can get him used to human males before that, since I imagine it would be hard for J to convince Ben to sleep in the treehouse since it's been so snowy and cold in Colorado.

Monday, January 07, 2008

Love Shack

It's been a busy couple of days here at Chez Heeler. I have been busy breaking in my new gentleman caller, Rocky, and instructing him in the ways of the world. He has much to learn, but we have been enjoying each other's company. That salt and pepper coat... Those brown eyes... That intelligence... Dare I make a comparison here?

Aren't they both lovely? Despite all that is wrong with the world, one has only to look at either face to see that there is hope left for dog and humankind. It does seem like Rocky is becoming more hopeful and less anxious about life, although J and I discovered on Sunday that Rocky fears men and growls at them. Most of the literature points to a lack of socialization and not abuse at the hands of a male, but J suspects that he was forced to watch Huckabee campaign ads or sees the face of Scalia, Thomas, Roberts, and/or Alito superimposed on the heads of the human men he encounters. If only it were the face of his human doppelganger, George Clooney! Then Rocky would surely be more trusting... Since B is in Europe for two more weeks I hope to help J in her quest to show him that not all men are bad or misguided or strict constructionists. He's not aggressive, just a bit fearful so we are hopeful things will turn around. Paws crossed, because we think he's great.

Some shots from the weekend...

In order to please me, he must learn to please himself...

Isn't he photogenic in this next one? I can never smile for pictures, myself. Maybe he's just pleased about his accomplishments in the previous photo.

Thursday, January 03, 2008

Mrs. Robinson

Well, the holidays kind of slipped away from me again. Here it is, 2008 already! This is my 11th year of brightening up the world with my awesomeness, and I have to say it's off to an excellent start thus far. Now that B and J have finally seen the light and purchased a yard and home befitting my lifestyle, it has been possible for me to finally entertain some gentleman callers. Yes, it's time for me to settle down with one man. Enough of this carefree bachelorette lifestyle for me... Yes... 11... It's time.

So, B and J hooked me up with this great dating service called New Hope Cattle Dogs. They're pretty much the bomb, I have to say. The New Hope people, that is. These guys even deliver and shuttle the dates to my house! Most of the dogs come from pretty bad situations, but I find that an intricate past deepens a man and makes him more fascinating. Observe...

This is my first date, Rusty. Rusty and I got along really well when his foster parents were around. Rusty came from Utah and was apparently kicked in the head by a cow. Chicks dig scars, I told him... The people in Utah not only failed to claim Rusty when he was found with a large gash in his head, but they'd already docked his tail! Barbarians!

Rusty and I hit it off, although he has gotten really attached to his foster parents and got pretty upset when they left for a while to pick up a puppy. I'll admit that the sexual tension in the air deflated a bit at this point in the date... He did a lot of pacing and waiting by the window.

While Rusty was very nice (and funny, too. He peed on J's leg! I love a man with a sense of humor), Rusty's foster parents took him home at the end of the date and suggested that I try out some younger men. You see, though I am 11 and just had ACL surgery in October, I am not showing many signs of slowing down thus far. The knowledge that Rusty will still be well taken care of even if he doesn't come to reside here comforted us, so we all agreed to "play the field," so to speak. Today, enter Rocky...

Stunning, isn't he? I mean, I knew there were some nice-looking dogs on the website but I wasn't expecting man candy for this old cougar! He's only 1 year old! Isn't that absolutely SCANDALOUS!!! Tee hee... It was a pretty awesome first date. Rocky's very nice foster mom took him to our house and we hung out for a little while and exchanged pleasantries. Then I found out that he gets to sleep over for a while! J took us for a walk later on and that went well. Then things really started heating up later on.

The new man of the house reclining in his new chair... Looks a little like me in black and white in this shot...

Koo-koo-ka-choo, Mrs. Robinson. Now we have a 3-week trial period to see if this is the right fit, after which Rocky may just stay with us forever. I love Internet dating!