Friday, September 29, 2006

Thank God for Bacon

So, I've been thinking that all of the big religions have music to go along with their respective theologies. Contemporary Islam has devotional music called nasheed, and more traditional Muslims usually accept a cappella singing as halal (permissible) although the use of instruments is a subject of some debate. In addition to its well-known throat singing and chanting, Buddhism is associated with pieces of music known as honkyoku, which are part of a musical tradition surrounding enlightenment and alms dating back to the 13th century. Christianity has chorale music, Gregorian chants, "Stairway to Heaven," and "I've Got that Joy, Joy, Joy, Down in My Heart." (the passwords for the previous link are "1" and "1"). Clearly, music is an essential part of the religious experience.

The Rainbow Bridge does not have a song to go with it, although I'm sure that it's only a matter of time before someone turns the original composition into verse, breaks out their synthesizer, and turns the ethnocentric vision of the pet afterlife into a wretched MP3 that will make the rounds on the Internet. I don't think that our dog-centered theology needs to create a song just yet, but I'm going to get the jump on the Rainbow Bridge proponents by suggesting that we adopt the following bacon-themed tune as our theme song for the Bacon Bridge. Of course, howling and such will be the primary form of our musical tradition, but I think this particular song will fit in nicely in terms of our recruitment efforts since bacon for everyone is one of the primary tenets of the Bacon Bridge. Thoughts?

Wednesday, September 27, 2006


I need to take a moment to do something a little unusual. I'm going to actually show my appreciation for my Great Oppressors B and J. I had a moment in the park with B today which made me realize how good I've got it. There we were walking along and this cute boxer looking dog walks up with his bland looking young urban G.O.'s. The boxer wasn't really my style but we took a moment to sniff and as we are sniffing B said something like "he is a little cutie." Instead of saying thanks or complimenting me one of them says to B "he's neurotic is what he is." Then they walked away. WTF????? This is when I had my little epiphany that B and J are okay. When someone compliments me as people often do B and J say "thanks" or "your dog is really nice too." They NEVER, EVER say things like "yeah but you should smell her farts" or "she got in the trash last night." It was a little like the moment in the movie Singles where Matt Dillon says "Bless you" in the elevator when Bridget Fonda sneezes. That was my epiphany.

And then completely out of the blue they brought me this.

That's right, a canine ice cream sandwich. Ahhhhh.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

I Heart the Government

This post comes from a nameless contact within the confines of a nameless state government. The following is an actual internal memo. I post it here to serve as a reminder that we dogs could certainly teach these Great Oppressors a thing or two.

"Hi Everyone -

Some concerns were raised that the new carpet in 112 was made partially of animal fur based on some box labeling. For those of you asking the question in our meeting the other day – I’m sorry I didn’t follow up on this right after our meeting. W---- got this information for me. I knew it but forgot it. Fortunately - this is a misunderstanding based on jumping to conclusions.

The good news is that the boxes of carpet tiles were labeled with the name of the carpet model and color - not the materials content.

The carpet model is 'house pet' and the color is hamster, however that is as close to animal as it gets. This product is made of polyester and nylon. And we chose the color because it matches spilled coffee, tea, and soda – not to mention field dirt - so well! Here is a link that takes you to the manufacturer’s site. If you have additional questions – let me know and I will check with PPAD – who graciously tracked down this product as a 'pollution prevention' approach to new carpeting."

Phew! I had heard of wool carpets, sweaters being knit out of the fur shed by beloved pets, and other forms of exploitive practices, but never anything like this. Needless to say, I was relieved to discover that no one out there is actually making carpet out of hamsters. I was also relieved to discover that in the world of human government, no subject is too laughable to be ruled out as a memo topic.

Monday, September 25, 2006

Saint Peter, Doggie Style

So, I was thinking about the question of sin. Do all dogs get to go to our dog-centered afterlife, or are some dogs genuinely bad dogs? I've been thinking about it, and think that there is probably a dog at the Bacon Bridge who weighs the earthly record of any dog who approaches. Think Saint Peter, only with buttsniffing, which as we know is the true measure of anyone's character. Now, I'd like to let everyone run free at the Bacon Bridge, but I just can't see letting in dogs who attack other dogs or people without provocation. However, I think any dog who is denied entrance due to general assholery gets sent back to Earth to try again if they fail to make it past the Buttsniffer. This combo afterlife/reincarnation thing will provide for the concept of sin but give everyone a chance for a "do-over." Thoughts?

Friday, September 22, 2006

Thanks for the Camera!

This is my new film, "Bitch Got the Blues," starring me, directed by me, and edited by me. Cinematography is by Great Oppressor B, music by J. As you can see, I am very musical. J is pretty bad on the harmonica, so I'm looking for a new accompanist. Perhaps I will sing my way to freedom! Hmmm... I think I need to rent an inpirational movie about a singer fighting the oppressive confines of modern society. I wonder if B and J will notice if I add "Sid and Nancy" to their Netflix queue?

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Faith Heeler

Right on, my canine brothers and sisters! There have been some great comments re: our proposed dogeology, which will hopefully result in an alternative cosmology to the picture I've included in this post. I found this print advertised on a ferret rescue site. Note the preponderance of ferrets in this rendering. I don't know if that's tied to the fact that the authors chose to translate the ethnocentric Rainbow Bridge myth into verse, but I'm guessing it is. J dated a ferret owner once, and given her views on the subject of ferret owners I want to ask where the unkempt fellow wearing Birkenstocks and playing with rhythm sticks in the park is located. But I know that not all ferret owners fit this category so I will refrain. Anyway, are ferrets allowed? Personally, I'm a bit anti-ferret. Thoughts on ferrets, anyone?

Anyway, let's focus on the good things that have been suggested for our alternative to a heaven overrun with ferrets. Dare we dream of an afterlife designed exclusively for dogs? Swimming pools, white sandy beaches, bacon, soft serve, chewies, and the list goes on and on... Thanks for those suggestions and let's keep this ball rolling, I say! Now, we must not forget to ask the larger questions as we construct our faith. For instance, what is the nature of sin? Does it originate with the dog, or is sin the fault of the humans? Is there such a thing as a bad dog? Should transgressions against our own kind weigh larger than the ones committed upon goddam cats, hamsters, exotic reptiles, etc.? And again, is this exclusively a dog heaven or are other species included? Personally, I'm not so sure. As this Flash animation created by a human suggests, the Rainbow Bridge is also populated by cats, snuggly bunnies, and other cute animals. I notice that few humans seem to be suggesting that pet snakes will be found across the Rainbow Bridge. Thoughts on snakes?

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Secular Dogma

Okay, this one has been burning a hole in my brain for some time now, but I'll admit that I shied away from bringing up this sensitive topic due to the potential firestorm that could be unleashed due to my remarks. I mean, it's not like there isn't enough tension swirling around religion these days. Still, I simply cannot remain silent on this one. My problem, dear readers, is with the Rainbow Bridge.

Now, I'm sure that most of you dogs out there have heard of the Rainbow Bridge, but for those of you who may have been shielded from this theological construct, here is the "poem" (several sites list it as being a poem, but it looks suspiciously like prose to me...) posted on not one, but a legion of sites contructed by humans that reference the Rainbow Bridge. Now, don't get me wrong, I think it is very touching that humans have dedicated sites to their animals. I simply think that there should be an alternative since this was obviously written by a human.
Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.
When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor. Those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.
They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent. His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....

Okay, so fundamentally I can understand this sentiment and I fully support the right of every American human and dog to persist in the belief that the Rainbow Bridge exists. After all, it's a wonderful thing that this country allows the free expression of faith. What bothers me is that this is the ONLY faith option for dogs that I could find on the Internet. I mean, you can't tell me that with all of the dogs out there we couldn't think of some sort of alternative. I mean, I'm all for hurt and maimed dogs becoming whole again, but does that mean I get my uterus back? Do the testicles of neutered dogs float back to them? And what of those dogs who do not have special people to wait for? Do they just have to wait around forever, or do they pass into oblivion? And what's up with the whole waiting around for our Great Oppressors? I mean, all those countless hours of waiting for them on Earth and here we are, back in eternity, WAITING FOR THEM AGAIN!!! If this isn't an ethnocentric view of the afterlife, I don't know what is.

Anyway, I would like to propose an alternative afterlife, created for and by dogs. I haven't quite hammered this out yet, but I'll be posting my fully formed theology, complete with rules, contradictory messages, etc. very shortly. All I can say is that it will contain all of the sorts of things that we dogs would truly seek in an afterlife. This will include copious amounts of the finest foodstuffs imaginable (fresh steaks, ice cream, roasted turkey, etc.), carcasses to roll in, unlimited buttdragging free of the judgmental eyes of the Great Oppressors, endless cat chasing (and this time, we'll get them), litter boxes containing only the finest cat poop, rodents to hunt, stuff to pee on, and no-strings attached buttsniffing. It's going to be great. Send those suggestions my way!

Sunday, September 17, 2006

For the Love of the Game

I love games.

I have been tagged by Lulu, the most literary Amstaff lady in cyberspace. The rules of tag are as follows. The player of this game starts by listing “5 weird things/habits” about him/herself, then tags five friends and lists their names. Those who get “tagged” need to write on their blogs about their “5 weird “things/habits,” as well as state this rule clearly, then “tag” 5 more victims.

Note: Don’t forget to leave your victim a comment that says “you’re tagged!” in their comments and tell them to read your blog.


1. Whenever my Great Oppressors have some sort of disagreement or one of them gets the smallest amount of tension in their voice, I must step in by coming up to one of them and putting my paw on one of their legs, licking them, and wagging my tail. This has earned me the name "Marriage Counselor." I'm thinking of going into business for myself. I prefer to think of myself as an opportunistic social parasite who is looking after her food source. Who will feed me if they break up?

2. I ask to be let in, but never to be let out, even in times of grave gastrointestinal distress. Great Oppressor J still hasn't quite forgiven me about the Persian rug, and B is still a bit perturbed about his workshop being decimated. They usually seem to know when to let me out, so I think it is their fault for not noticing me sitting silently by the front door at three in the morning.

3. I hate dogs in pickup trucks. Hate them. I am usually calm and collected, but if I am out walking with B or J and observe a pickup truck with a dog in it I have to be physically restrained. I find this somewhat ironic since my breed is probably one of the top breeds found in pickup trucks located in the Western U.S. Yet I just can't help myself...

4. Whenever B and J, um, fulfill their marital obligations, I simply have to be in the same room. I find a nice quiet spot out of the way while they, um, you know, read in bed... Yeah, read... That's it...

5. I eat corn on the cob. I eat other vegetables too, but I eat corn on the cob like a maniac.

And now, the most difficult part of the game for me since I'm pretty sure that most of the dogs I know out here have already been tagged. What if I tag someone who has already been tagged? I think people are my only option at this point. I looked for Corbin Bernsen's blog to see if I could tag him, and then I looked to see if I could leave comments for Al Franken. Then I realized that posting something like this on a famous person's blog could get a dog in trouble. So, my victims are...

1. Connie of the Red Basement
2. Kathy of the Red Basement
3. Selma and/or Miles (these guys need their own blog, but make guest comments from time to time)
4. Dr. Pennypacker @ the Home of Crap
5. The Echidna
So, I know that means that I'm cheating since Connie, Kathy, Selma, and Miles are all based out of the same space, but what's a girl to do? It's not easy being tagged at the end of a cycle of tagging. I do think Selma and Miles should start their own blog from whence to launch the Labrador Revolution, but that's just me...

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Rescue Me

My friend Wally's blog has recently featured an array of noble corgadors looking for good homes. Of course, I am fully dedicated to eventual dog independence, but as a rescue dog myself, I can fully attest that shelters are not places from which we can launch the revolution. Wally's blog got me thinking about corgi mixes. My own Great Oppressors have fond memories of Mr. Turtle, a corgi/chihuahua mix with three and a half functional legs (fused hip that gave him trouble when he ran) who belonged to a professor of theirs. B lived with Mr. T for nearly a year whilst said professor was on sabbatical and has fond memories of the little guy.
So, intrigued, I got on Petfinder to see if there were any heeler/corgi crosses. I wasn't going to post any since this was Wally's idea, but I was just too moved by the following pictures to avoid it. So, for one day only, I present some Heelcorg and other miscellaneous crossbred brethren who need a pull up on the old bootstraps.
1. Meet Jacqueline.

Jacqueline and her daughter were found in an abandoned garage with 7 puppies (cue violin music here). The puppies were Jacqueline's grandkids, but her daughter rejected them and Jacqueline nursed them instead (turn the volume up on those violins). Everyone in the little family has been adopted except for Jacqueline (this just isn't fair!!!), and she sounds like a sweet little lady by the sounds of her foster parents' description. Free Jacqueline!

2. Meet Wazzie.

There isn't much information on Wazzie, who is actually an Australian Shepherd/Corgi cross who lives in Utah. But just look at him!!! The merle coat! The eyes! He's fabulous!!!
3. Meet Goliath.

Okay, so Goliath is obviously not a corgi cross, but a Great Pyrenees/Heeler cross. I think the description on Petfinder says it best...
"Goliath was owner surrendered with his brother "Brother" after they flunked out of sheep herding school for playing. He is housebroke. He is playful and good with cats. He never runs off. He did get a chance at a new home but, was returned when the new boyfriend thought he was ugly. He really deserves another chance at a forever home. * Note: This shelter is ran out of my home so please call for an appointment before coming to the shelter. Thank you."
"...the boyfriend thought he was ugly." Yeah, and I'm sure the boyfriend is a real prize. I think Goliath is very handsome. The worst part of it all? Goliath lives in (cue dark, scary, music) ROCK SPRINGS, WYOMING, the foulest, most windswept, depressing, awful, did I mention "depressing," craphole of a town in the Western U.S. My Great Oppressors and I are united in our hatred of this town. Please help get Goliath OUT OF THERE!

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Seriously F***ed Up. Seriously.

Okay, so I'm a liberated kind of dog. I have had several lovers, I have been known to hump a dog or two, and I certainly enjoy the occasional personal "play" session (because I can, that's why!). I even enjoy reading the Great Oppressor Dan Savage's sex advice column just to keep an open mind (and I like his politics. He seems like such a nice young man). Anyway, despite my efforts to keep an open mind about the following website I just can't. I discovered the following site for an animal "Bed and Bath" establishment accidentally while diving the dumpster of the Internet. The name of the business is "Miss Kitty's Bed and Bath." At the risk of litigation and to spare you the trouble of visiting the site yourself, I offer you the company logo! Sorry it's so tiny, but if you click on it you should be able to see the graphic clearly.

Given Miss Kitty's unfortunate "outfit," I would have to say that whoever dressed her in that has more issues than a magazine rack. The following pictures were taken from the Miss Kitty site and capture a deep underbelly of the American South, an underbelly dedicated to exploiting dogs and using them to fulfill unusual human fantasies. Prepare for my shocking expose... Observe!

This is right before the stripper pops out of that little cake and gives those two dachschunds a happy ending. And what is that one on the far left wearing? I suppose he is German...

His owner had to have done his shopping here, in the gift shop. Kinky, isn't it? Looks like a German leatherfest if you ask me! I can see the Great Oppressor now, carefully selecting the next Outfit of Shame for his unwilling animal slave.

The hand of the Great Oppressor clenched around the throat, the inappropriate groping of the tail, the haircut (s)... Well, I mostly just included this one because of the glasses.

Further evidence of exploitation!!! Have we learned NOTHING from the JonBenet Ramsey case?

Saturday, September 09, 2006

I'm Number One!

This is an exciting day at the Heeler, folks. I was mulling over altering the pseudonyms for the Great Oppressors since I recently discovered that a comic strip already employs this nickname for the humans. You can imagine my embarrassment... I am not a plagiarist! Anyway, I tried Googling "Great Oppressors" to see if I could find an example of the comic strip's use of the term and was excited/ecstatic/overjoyed to discover that Googling "Great Oppressors" puts this blog as the top two results! Granted, Googling "Great Oppressors" also yields a wide variety of strange things, and Googling "Great Oppressor Heeler" turns up a web page that introduces Apocalyptic passages from the Bible and somehow integrates them with the image of a Blue Heeler sniffing out the truth (I'm not even going to paste a link there, but it's as weird as it sounds). Still, the dominance of the Heeler atop the Great Oppressor Google results has made me rethink my initial impulse to rename B and J. I'll have to mull this over... Anyway, the important lesson here is that my quest for liberation is one Google result away from fruition! Viva la Sid!!! Speaking of which, Googling "Sid the Dog" gives my Blogger profile as the number one result. Oh yes... Yes...
While I would like to take credit for the lovely poster art celebrating the dominance of Australian Cattle Dogs, I cannot. But I do feel like it captures the spirit of my movement. I am also trying to figure out how to get the following item on either B or J's car without either of them noticing.

I feel a hot wind on my shoulder. The revolution is nigh!

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Let Me Stand Next to Your Fire

A large amount of press is being dedicated to the Derby Fire in Montana, a blaze which just happened to flare up in Great Oppressor J's part of the forest. What hasn't made the papers is how I helped extinguish a different backcountry blaze that could have easily flared up into something much larger. Here is the fire when we found it... The best part is that somebody started this 5' by 4' by 2' smoker by lighting their toilet paper on fire instead of packing it out. People are animals.

Here is the fire after George Clooney and I put it out.

Well, really, I guess that B technically put it out. But I like to imagine George Clooney and myself running back and forth from the stream, desperately throwing water on the smoking earth before tragedy strikes and the fire flares up, giving the evil minions in the current political administration a reason to allow Haliburton to come in and perform salvage logging operations in the wilderness. And then George would mop the sweat from his brow, take off his t-shirt, rub his two-day old stubble thoughtfully, and look into the distance as the James Horner soundtrack swells and the camera cuts to a closeup of me looking pensive. And then there will be a shot of an Indian with tears in his eyes. What an exciting backpacking trip!!!

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

I Heart Backpacking

Hey there! I'm back in Denver after spending a week in the woods with B and J. This is a picture of me on the hike up to Rainbow Lake last week. I decided to jump on this boulder just to see what was up. I don't know what B and J would do without my vigilant eye. Speaking of vigilance, you may notice that B's head looks a little funny here. Since the Great Oppressors can partake in fantasy football, I think that we subjugated legions of pets should be able to engage in fantasy owners. So viva La Photoshop!