Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Secular Dogma

Okay, this one has been burning a hole in my brain for some time now, but I'll admit that I shied away from bringing up this sensitive topic due to the potential firestorm that could be unleashed due to my remarks. I mean, it's not like there isn't enough tension swirling around religion these days. Still, I simply cannot remain silent on this one. My problem, dear readers, is with the Rainbow Bridge.


Now, I'm sure that most of you dogs out there have heard of the Rainbow Bridge, but for those of you who may have been shielded from this theological construct, here is the "poem" (several sites list it as being a poem, but it looks suspiciously like prose to me...) posted on not one, but a legion of sites contructed by humans that reference the Rainbow Bridge. Now, don't get me wrong, I think it is very touching that humans have dedicated sites to their animals. I simply think that there should be an alternative since this was obviously written by a human.
Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.
When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor. Those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.
They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent. His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....


Okay, so fundamentally I can understand this sentiment and I fully support the right of every American human and dog to persist in the belief that the Rainbow Bridge exists. After all, it's a wonderful thing that this country allows the free expression of faith. What bothers me is that this is the ONLY faith option for dogs that I could find on the Internet. I mean, you can't tell me that with all of the dogs out there we couldn't think of some sort of alternative. I mean, I'm all for hurt and maimed dogs becoming whole again, but does that mean I get my uterus back? Do the testicles of neutered dogs float back to them? And what of those dogs who do not have special people to wait for? Do they just have to wait around forever, or do they pass into oblivion? And what's up with the whole waiting around for our Great Oppressors? I mean, all those countless hours of waiting for them on Earth and here we are, back in eternity, WAITING FOR THEM AGAIN!!! If this isn't an ethnocentric view of the afterlife, I don't know what is.

Anyway, I would like to propose an alternative afterlife, created for and by dogs. I haven't quite hammered this out yet, but I'll be posting my fully formed theology, complete with rules, contradictory messages, etc. very shortly. All I can say is that it will contain all of the sorts of things that we dogs would truly seek in an afterlife. This will include copious amounts of the finest foodstuffs imaginable (fresh steaks, ice cream, roasted turkey, etc.), carcasses to roll in, unlimited buttdragging free of the judgmental eyes of the Great Oppressors, endless cat chasing (and this time, we'll get them), litter boxes containing only the finest cat poop, rodents to hunt, stuff to pee on, and no-strings attached buttsniffing. It's going to be great. Send those suggestions my way!

12 comments:

Connie said...

One word yo: biscuits.

- MC Miles D

wally said...

i look forward to becoming an acolyte in your new dogeology.

i was drawn to reincarnation for awhile until i realized that i couldn't imagine a higher form of life than myself so i would have nowhere to go but down!

Simon said...

I have always found the bridge to be a little patronizing. You really think I couldn't sniff my way across the bridge on my own? I love poopbagger, but believe you me, if there are better biscuits and people to rub my tummy on the other side I'm not going to wait for scoop master to kick the bucket.
Other "rainbow" needs: couches. Lots and lots of couches. And butter...

Sid the Dog said...

Biscuits:check...
Multiple Couches: check...
Butter: check...
Wally- you're right about that reincarnation stuff. What if you ended up as something horrifying, like a goddam cat? Speaking of which, do you think a Kitty Torture Palace has a place in our new dogeology, or is that too much?

Kaluah-lu said...

This is positively brilliant. Bravo and then some. Sid, my love... I would LOVE to assist you in this endeavor. Believe me when I say I am more than delighted when dogs begin to take ownership of their own concerns. I understand you are currently brainstorming ideas about possible afterlife rewards. You need a clear plan in place so you can begin to script the late night infomercial. I have a few questions, however. For example… are all dogs, regardless of past and current transgressions, to be sent to this “dog heaven” you suggest? What of dogs who attack unprovoked? What of dogs who… um… spy on cats and spit in their water bowl? I’m just wondering if there needs to be another consequence for "bad" dogs. Of course, if you want to view all dogs as inherently good, then all dogs can go to heaven. You may also want to think about generating a little fear if you are interested in eventually collecting revenue from your "followers." Funding may be needed to sell your idea and advertise on a continuing basis. While we're at it, you'll need to purchase land for retreats, a limo for travel, a personal secretary, etc. and you'll need unlimited access to credit cards for various sundries. Of course, the beauty is it's all tax free. Please let me know if I can be of help.

Nuzzles,
Lulu


P.S. Oh! Can we have a pool? I love to swim. A pool, a human who tosses a ball with an arm that never tires, and maybe someone who rubs your belly without stopping?

Shmoo said...

While applaud your seeking of the true one, did it ever occur to you that all of the things you seek and speak of are actually over the Rainbow Bridge? Sure, some pansy human wrote that bunch of stuff about us sitting over there waiting patiently for the humans to cross over to be reunited. Right, and that's why they're humans and they get up and open a door for me to come in, out, in, out, in, out 16 times in a half hour and still think they're in charge.

IT'S A PARTY OVER THERE!

Meeshka

Buster the Wired Fox Terror said...

Lulu, there is no such thing as bad dogs. Bad you-mans, bad kitties, bad birds - no bad dogs. And if there are bad dogs, then they become nice when they hit doggie Las Vegas - Heeler Heaven! Heel them Heeler!

Now I believe, I do believe hear me now! Oh my caninus brethren! Heeler Heaven!

Ice cream, chocolate, green green grass, beer, tv, fluffy bunnies to tug & toss with no rips or tears that never get dirty....big beds, beaches with sparkling white sand to roll & dig, parks with no fences, cold streams to drink, trees trees trees to pee on....cars to jump in and rides all the time, chewies & bones & greenies, chinese food, spaghetti, fettucine alfredo, cheese, pepperoni, bacon....naps, tummy rubs, no baths....

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh

Bussie Kissies
Buster

Sid the Dog said...

Lulu- The pool, bellyrubbing, and endless throwing of balls are all great ideas! I was also thinking that bad humans who have abused our kind in their time on Earth would have a place in our dogeology, since they will be consigned to an eternity of throwing balls to labs, border collies, and other breeds who have never been able to truly fulfill their endless capacity for fetch. Ditto for bellyrubbing. I'm also thinking about the design for the megachurch we will design for our corporeal selves... All will be welcome!
Hmm... the question of bad dogs revolves around the nature of sin... That's pretty deep stuff. Do we need commandments?
Shmoo- Maybe it's because the whole Rainbow Bridge thing just reminds me of Precious Moments figurines and mylar balloons. Couldn't we have a Bacon Bridge that you could nibble/gorge on? Ooh! Maybe the bridge is made out of....whatever the individual dog wants! Of course, that will be difficult to name, so maybe we should stick with some sort of meat product.
Buster- fabulous suggestions too numerous to mention! the beach sounds particularly nice, especially since great stuff always washes up there... Doggie Las Vegas? Intriguing... I like your style.

Oh, and I have three things of my own to add. The holy trinity of fish heads, bacon, and soft serve.

Sid the Dog said...

Whoops... Sorry Meeshka! Didn't mean to call you Shmoo in my last post but I went with the name I saw up top.

Miles- what about soft serve, bro?

Anonymous said...

Selma here. My first concern about this Rainbow Bridge is that all dogs from all religions are welcome. See, Miles is a Hindu (something about the 6-armed god being able to throw lots of sticks) and I am buddhist. I like Buddah, something about his shape makes me feel, well vindicated.

Secondly, Miles thought about your soft serve and he has some bigger things on his mind. You see, Miles is quite old. Yes, he has been staring across the rainbow bridge since he was 4 (that silly little epliepsy thing). Since then he has had a lot of time (8 years to be precise) to contemplate the afterlife and although his main concern is biscuits, he also has some other issues that he feels needs to be addressed.

1. 72 degrees and sunny. Every blessed day.
2. Soft, soft, soft grass or flowerbed to sleep upon.
3. Doggie door that leads to the great palace made of soft soft doggie beds and biscuits.
4. Hot bitches everywhere (his words, not mine). Bitches for smoochin, bitches for humpin, bitches to chase around. HELL YYYEEEEAAHHHH!
5. Although Miles likes the swimming pool idea, he much preferrs lakes, rivers and mud puddles and sticks.

Me. My idea of heaven is to follow my mom EVERYWHERE. I am convinced that her entire day is chucky jamm full of awesomely fun things that she squanders on her dog free hours. You see, I love my mom. Except when she embarasses me in front of company by making me sit on things that DOGS AREN'T EQUIPT TO SIT UPON - MOM! I also hate to be dressed up, but I love it when she pays attention to me and laughs.

Sid the Dog said...

Miles and Selma-
I agree that all religions should be included in our dogeology. I am a fan of Buddhism myself, perhaps especially because of the given name of its founder, Siddartha Gautama. Given Miles' years of contemplation and meditation re: the afterlife, I feel that he has achieved a certain level of enlightenment. So temperature control, doggie palace, various bodies of water, and flowerbeds are a definite go. I may have to reflect on the hot bitches, though. His request would imply that we bitches enjoy it as much as he does, which not all of us are really into that sort of thing. So, if we can figure that out I would not be averse to the idea of copious amounts of humping. Personally, I enjoy humping rather than being humped. That's how I roll.
I think we can accomodate the idea of tailing our owners in heaven, Selma. If that is what we desire, no worries. You see, part of my problem with the whole Rainbow Bridge thing is that we have to leave the rest of our kind to cross the Rainbow Bridge with our owners. Well, how do we know what's over there? What if our owners were bad and we end up in hell, which according to the standard brands of Christianity is pretty darn likely? No thanks, I prefer to hang out in a dog-centric heaven. I have grown a bit fonder of B and J than I am often willing to admit and also wish that I could follow them everywhere, if only because I get bored in the house. So they can hang out with me in Dog Heaven while I stalk squirrels. It's only fair.

Sid the Dog said...

Miles and Selma-
I agree that all religions should be included in our dogeology. I am a fan of Buddhism myself, perhaps especially because of the given name of its founder, Siddartha Gautama. Given Miles' years of contemplation and meditation re: the afterlife, I feel that he has achieved a certain level of enlightenment. So temperature control, doggie palace, various bodies of water, and flowerbeds are a definite go. I may have to reflect on the hot bitches, though. His request would imply that we bitches enjoy it as much as he does, which not all of us are really into that sort of thing. So, if we can figure that out I would not be averse to the idea of copious amounts of humping. Personally, I enjoy humping rather than being humped. That's how I roll.
I think we can accomodate the idea of tailing our owners in heaven, Selma. If that is what we desire, no worries. You see, part of my problem with the whole Rainbow Bridge thing is that we have to leave the rest of our kind to cross the Rainbow Bridge with our owners. Well, how do we know what's over there? What if our owners were bad and we end up in hell, which according to the standard brands of Christianity is pretty darn likely? No thanks, I prefer to hang out in a dog-centric heaven. I have grown a bit fonder of B and J than I am often willing to admit and also wish that I could follow them everywhere, if only because I get bored in the house. So they can hang out with me in Dog Heaven while I stalk squirrels. It's only fair.