Tuesday, December 26, 2006

A Decade of Accomplishment

There is a small billboard near our home which reads "A life is measured by experiences" or something new-agey like that. The funny thing is that the slogan is an ad for Miller Genuine Draft Beer. I'm pretty sure that most MGD drinkers would rather if their lives weren't measured by their MGD experiences. I think that B and J would vouch for that.

I have reached a point where it is time for me to lay back and ponder my life. You see, I just turned 10 years old. It will be 10 years in January when J went to the Nampa, Idaho Animal Shelter and rescued me. I prefer to look at it more as if I rescued myself as I quickly sized up J as a good person as far as people go. With this assessment in mind I made eye contact with her and watched her pace the kennels which showed her that I am smart because she read somewhere that dogs who track well visually are usually smart or something like that. Anyhow due mainly to my intelligence and eye contact (and not barking like the other poor dogs in the shelter) I started my journey...

So here I am 10 years later. What have I accomplished? You see I am a working dog so accomplishment is important. I can show you something I haven't accomplished:

This chubby little squirrel has the nuts to walk around on my fence!!! If only he knew what I am capable of. You see in my life of accomplishment one of the things I am proudest of is that I am something of a hunter. This may seem morbid to some of you out there in blogland but it is who I am. I am a killer...

I have decided to dedicate my next few entries to some of the highlights of the last 10 years.

Saturday, December 23, 2006

Christmas Classics from YouTube

This is the time of year that the Great Oppressors dread going to the grocery store for a number of reasons. Of course, I'd be happy to go to the grocery store for them but they have thus far ignored my entreaties to do so. Yet more proof that life is brutally unfair. Apparently, the grocery store near our house plays Christmas songs at a louder volume than their usual, non-holiday musical selections. Add this to the prerecorded sound of a thunderstorm that goes off before they mist water on the produce, a parking lot that is now a complete free-for-all with the recent heavy snow, and the creepy female Hal-esque voice on the self-checkout aisle (Would you like any coupons? Thank you for shopping at KING SOOPER'S!!!) and you have a recipe for stress. I haven't heard much Christmas music since there is a house gag rule on it, but it seems to me like Christmas music is not a genre that should be played incessantly on loudspeakers while the Great Oppressors desperately try to escape the store with their sanity intact. Not that it's all bad. I think my Great Oppressors would be much happier if they played the following song as they shopped. Here's a classic song of yuletide cheer from Run DMC to drive that version of Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree out of your head.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Snow Day

So, the Great Oppressors and I are hunkered down here in lovely Denver, where a fun-filled state of emergency was declared due to the gigormous snowstorm that pummeled Colorado. J managed to get out early yesterday morning to grab the requisite supplies of food, movies, several episodes of Big Love, and booze. B did a nice job clearing our walk with only an avalanche shovel. We could use a real snowshovel for Festivus. At first, I thought that B and J might stage a reenactment of the Shining (that's odd... The blood usually gets off at the second floor...) but now they seem to be enjoying being cooped up in the house together lounging around guilt-free. As you can see by the following sets of pictures, there is a lot of snow here (somewhere around two feet).

Our back yard.

J's car in the front of the house.

B with his long black molester coat shoveling the front walk. I'm doing my best impression of a government supervisor.

J took me for a walk in the street.

The neighborhood Christmas decorations have seen better days. Not to be an alarmist, but I do have to point out the unfortunate resemblance to a meeting of a certain Southern fraternal organization.

Here I am, relaxing at my rightful place on the couch. All is well here. It's a Festivus miracle!

Tuesday, December 12, 2006


I'll admit that my heart just hasn't been in it lately. Blogging used to give me such pleasure, and now I'll admit to having a creative slump. I've been thinking about something to write about for days, but haven't been able to bang anything out. Perhaps it is because J has been hogging the computer again. But this is just an excuse... I need to get back on the blogging horse. So, I thought I would start off with some easy targets. Here are some pictures of dog clothes that I found.

You know, so many things come to mind. I'll just, um, yeah...

Yar!!!! Ahoy all ye pirates! In case ye are allergic to parrots ye can carry around a wee dog in a Louis Vuitton bag! Yar!!!

And for a trick, this dog's Great Oppressor makes him pick up trash on the side of the highway.

The caption for this outfit reads "Bubble Gum scented and glows in the dark! Available in girls only. Care: Machine wash gentle in cool water and tumble dry on low heat. Your pets' body heat will re-energize the scent to enjoy for quite some time." I can think of worse things than smelling like bubble gum and then subsequently recharging the foul stench of bubble gum when I exert myself. Or at least I will think of worse things. Just let me think about this for a while. I'll get back to you.

On the bright side, I suppose that humans do sometimes like to dress up like us as well. What goes around comes around!

Sunday, December 03, 2006


So, I was perusing Petfinder to find heeler mixes willing to join my revolution and discovered indications of an unsettling juxtaposition of good and evil. Prepare to be shocked, nay, terrified by the following picture. According to Petfinder, "Mary" is supposedly an Australian Cattle Dog/Blue Heeler mix. Size - medium. Age - baby.

Now, I don't know what find of place this "Animal Adoption Center" in Jackson, Wyoming is, but I fear it is run by halfwits. Does someone honestly believe that "Mary" here is an Australian Cattle Dog or was this an honest mistake? I say it matters not! Either way, this is an abomination!!! I am calling the Australian Cattle Dog Anti-Defamation League immediately.

Now, I tried to find out more about "Mary," but the good folks at the "Animal Adoption Center" only left the following note...'Notes: For more info on this pet, as well as who we are and our adoption process, please go to our website animaladoptioncenter.org We welcome out-of-area adopters, but please be aware we do require prospective adopters to come to our facility and meet the animal in person, as well as foster for a minimum of one night in the area.'

Oh, it all sounds SO innocent doesn't it? I'm not ruling out some kind of conspiracy here. Maybe "Mary" is the real brains behind the outfit here, hoping to snag some unsuspecting Great Oppressors looking to adopt a heeler. Do prospective owners show up at the "shelter" only to find this gray cat with a handwritten note attached to its collar, scrawled out in barely legible kitty-scratches "I AM AN AUSSTRAYLIAN CAT TELL DAWG. PLEAZ TAYK MEE HOME!!!" Does this creature honestly expect to fool people? What it is plotting? Ladies and gentlement, a true Petfinder mystery. Solve it... IF YOU DARE!

Friday, December 01, 2006

The Story of Sid

Hey there. Sorry I've been out of touch for a week now but I've been trying to figure out how to upload photos from Great Oppressor J's phone. I mean, it's hard to figure out the buttons on the phone without opposable thumbs. But I've puzzled out this uploading thing and now I can FINALLY post these pictures of a love interest of mine from this summer. I'm thinking of including these shots with my manuscript of erotic dog stories that I hope to see published soon. Good erotica is hard to write, and I really think that erotic dog stories have a lot of potential as a market. I mean, have YOU ever been able to find high-quality dog erotica at your local bookstore? Didn't think so. Anyway, I think these pictures really capture the heat of the moment. Meet Freddy.

Here is Freddy as he attempts to woo me.

Oh yes... YES!!!!! YES!!!! No one has ever made me feel like this!!!

Anyone got a cigarette?