Saturday, March 18, 2006

A "Head" for Politics

I'm turning this post over to someone else again. I won't go into details about how we met, but let's just say we became acquainted last year. Depite certain unfortunate aspects of his character, I found his arguments compelling and thought giving him access to this forum would perhaps offer a viewpoint not often covered in the mainstream media.

I'm a tapeworm... Kingdom: Animalia, Phylum: Platyhelminthes, Class: Cestoda, Species: Red-blooded American!

That's right folks, this scolex won't run! The reason I'm blogging is to officially announce my outrage at being barred from being able to campaign for political office. Being a parasitic flatworm, I feel that I have a firm grasp on what it takes to succeed in the American political system. My tenacity, steadfastness, and ability to thrive in a variety of different kinds of intestinal tracts are signs of character that have gone missing of late in the majority of political candidates. Yet while I consider myself to be a patriot, the arcane rules governing the American political process explicitly ban certain classes within the Kingdom Animalia from serving their country as elected officials. To this I say, what are opposable thumbs when compared to the majesty of a scolex? This blatant specism will not stand! To draw a parallel with Sid's recent complaint, why am I any less qualified a candidate for Secretary of the Interior than Kempthorne (see previous post)? He may be better-looking, but I am intimately acquainted with interiors. Besides, I bet I would clean up pretty nicely if I had access to the number of professional stylists Kempthorne's got on his payroll.

So I say, to hell with being content to live in the guts of our definitive hosts and let's show these people who's really running the show! Proglottids unite! Together we can overthrow the culture of corruption! My organization, Para-merica, will lead the new wave of grassroots activism our species needs to make its voice heard! Who's with me? At the very least, perhaps we can rule from the inside. I hear Cheney likes beef."

1 comment:

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